Question: I remember reading or hearing somewhere that you’re supposed to go to the cemetery and invite the dead to family events, like weddings, but my mother doesn’t remember this and now I can’t find where I heard it! I know this isn’t a law, but is it a custom of some sort?

Answer: Thank you for your question. I’ve actually read about this custom in a book written by Rabbi Chaim Shapiro, named “Once Upon a Shtetl” where he talks about this in the final chapter. I’m pasting here a response that I once gave to someone else on a related topic which you might find interesting:

Rabbi, can you please tell me why it is so important to my mother that when I go to visit her (infrequently, by plane) she wants me to visit my father’s and brother’s graves? I remember my father with love and
gratitude often and I still miss him. When I visit my mother for a couple of days and want to take her out for a treat, the first thing she wants to do is go to the cemetery. What am I missing?

Thanks for your question. Although it would be impossible to conclusively analyze what your mother’s feelings are regarding this, I can just share with you some thoughts and observations on this subject.

The Talmud (Brachos 18b – and in other places) teaches us in detail that the deceased are very much aware of what goes on in this world, even many years after they have died. I’m not sure exactly how to understand this, but I think the idea is that the Neshama -”soul” actually has a few parts to it (I believe that Maimonides states that the human soul has 5 parts). Although the soul usually goes to heaven after death, the Ruach – “spirit” part of it can sometimes be actually hovering around the grave for quite some time. As a matter of fact, until the beginning of this century (and perhaps there are some who have this custom even today) there was a Jewish custom to visit the cemetery before a family events, such as a wedding, and invite the close relatives of the parties getting married to attend “in spirit” ( as I’m writing this I’m wondering whether this might be the source for the expression “I’ll be there in spirit!”).

Interestingly, one of the “controversial” sore points between the Hassidic movements and those who were against it when they started was that the Hassidim would pray to these “spirits” , especially those of the Tzadikim (very righteous) when they would visit the cemetery. Those who opposed them felt that this is tantamount to idol worship, and we may only pray to G-d that in the merit of those whose graves we are visiting He should answer our prayers.

On a more practical level, it is very possible that your mother just misses the closeness and togetherness as a family that you once had, and to her visiting the graves with you alleviates a little of that loneliness. I think that this is much harder for a child to understand than for a parent. Every parent wants her or his children to feel close and loving, although as kids we usually don’t see the need for it. At any rate, she is giving you a wonderful opportunity to fulfill the Mitzvah (commandment) of Honoring Your Mother, for which the Torah guarantees us the reward of a good and long life, so having to spend some time with her at the grave has it’s rewards too :-). I hope that this has been helpful-

Take care,
Rabbi Aaron Tendler