Question: I know we cannot want someone else’s things, but i really like this boy who already has a girlfriend. What is the proper way to deal with a situation like this?

Answer: You are correct to phrase your question “we cannot want…” because, in fact, even the simple desire for something belonging to someone else is explicitly forbidden by Torah law (Shmos 20: 13). And, of course, this applies even to a person’s spouse. The fact that God instructed us to control even our most private thoughts proves that it must be possible to do so (for we are taught – Talmud Avodah Zarah 3a – that God would never impose upon us requirements that can’t be kept). Now, just because a young woman considers someone her “boyfriend” doesn’t mean that their relationship has any legal Jewish standing in any formal way. And, in any case, a person is not property that can be traded or purchased. Still, I suppose it would be wisest to respect their decisions and not try to force yourself in between them.

I really could not address this question without mentioning a related risk that such relationships carry. Marriage is a bit like sticky tape: it doesn’t work nearly as well the second time – the bond will nearly always be weaker if there are memories and cynical attitudes left over from previous failed attempts. But it isn’t just previous marriages that can cause trouble. Any emotional attachment that young people created in their youth will naturally take away from the potential “stickiness” left in them. Since you seem the type who yearns for a happy and stable marriage, I would suggest that you might want to start preparing as much as you can right now: don’t compromise your ability to bond when it really counts! I’m confident that you will find the best path forward.

With regards,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton