Question: I didn’t have a peaceful childhood. I was abused by my brother for 4 yrs. When I said something to my parents I was yelled at by my father for saying anything, and had to comfort my mother. ... Although I have forgiven my brother, since he was abused too, I have a hard time forgiving my parents and respecting them. I understand when a child does something, but as an adult you make your own choices. I know people have grown up in familys much worse them mine, so I am thankful in that aspect. Through all this my faith in God has never faultered, I have always seen it as God’s will.  I’ve been asking myself how do I honor my family when they have done such things. I’m just wondering what is the Jewish response to abuse in the family.

Answer: There is a process involved in honor and respect. This process is meant to help us move along the road from self-absorbed anger, pain and demands towards deference and respect. We generally don’t make a single leap which brings us from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Part of the process is letting go of our role as judge over those we are meant to respect. When I am not the judge then my pain is my own and not related to them. Another step is to view my respect for those I am obligated to respect as part of my obligation to G-d, and the flaws that I perceive in those people are viewed as part of the challenge that makes my respect meaningful (since, after all, it is not a challenge to respect angels). Other steps include finding aspects of the person that I can indeed focus on and respect. Another step is acting with respect and deference as our behaviors influence our feelings. These are just some suggestions. I’m sure that once you have these in mind and the direction that they suggest you will come up with others of your own.

Best wishes on your journey.
Ephraim