It’s been more than a year that we are trying to have a child and even after 6 months of medical treatment and suggestions by Rabbis I haven’t been able to conceive. I don’t understand how other women I see can conceive. They do not appear to be very righteous, in fact to the contrary… They do not perform any charity, have no connection to G-d. If they can conceive why shouldnt I? I know my husband and myself do not deserve to suffer in this way. We have always tried to follow G-d’s will, we give a part of our salary to religious institutions, etc. and we have done this since our marriage (3 and 1/2 yrs ago), even before we tried to have kids- so we are doing it without any expectation of gaining something in return. I hate comparing myself to others but I am left with no other choice. WHY US?
We don’t know why the righteous suffer or why the wicked prosper in this world. There are many possible reasons, but we don’t know why for sure in any particular case. Punishment for wrong-doing is only one reason. Sometimes G-d chooses to test people, and sometimes He wants to give them situations where they will turn to Him in prayer and ultimately become closer to Him. Sometimes He knows that the time is not right for a certain prayer to be answered, but that it will be better for that person if their prayer is answered later. A simple example: Someone prayed for years to meet the right person so she could marry and have a family, but she didn’t get married until she was already past 30, long after her friends. Her husband — who was the perfect, loving mate for her — was a man who had only become religious a year earlier. She could not have married sooner because her mate was not ready for her yet!
In my case, I totally sympathize with your depression and frustration, because I was married for eleven years with no children. After that we became parents “suddenly” because we heard about a newborn Jewish baby with health problems — long story but we adopted him — and our home was instantly filled with love and light. After we adopted him we went back and tried IVF (which had previously failed) and this time we were successful, and now have two beatiful IVF daughters, Baruch Hashem, ages 15 and 13.
Please do not give up hope, keep davening and also keep looking for medical help, as physicians are designated by G-d to be His representatives for healing.
Also remember to feel gratitude for the blessings you do have, for example that you are married and have a husband — which so many other women long for and don’t have. Keep an optimistic spirit and may Hashem bless you in good time with healthy, smart and beautiful children. And by the way, if you have a chance, you can read my own infertility story in a book called *The Mother in Our Lives* edited by Sarah Shapiro. It’s an anthology of writings by women about motherhood issues and my story is called “Your Baby is Waiting for You” — by me, Toby Katz. I hope it will inspire you and give you hope.
What I don’t understand here is when you say ‘and He wants to give them situations where they will turn to Him in prayer and ultimately become closer to Him.’ “Reading this, I started thinking “But why should G-d give good hearted, religious people situations where they will turn to him in prayer?? Aren’t they already praying and following him?” I always get frustrated why G-d feels why a certain woman I know deserves a baby while I don’t? Yes, you are right when you think that I am jealous.. yes I am jealous…. I am forced to be when I compare our situations When I compare myself to her, what she gains in her life without working hard, while for every single thing I have worked so very hard for, her heart vs. my heart, her attitude vs. mine – I am sure I don’t deserve this.
There is prayer and there is prayer. The more trouble a person is in, the more intensely he turns to G-d. The Sages say that our Mothers, Sarah, Rivka and Rachel — all of whom were infertile — were given the trials they were given because G-d desired their prayers. They were already the most righteous women who ever lived, certainly on a much much higher level than you or me — yet it was precisely BECAUSE of their high level that G-d wanted them to pray even more. Their prayers become something like a permanent cosmic treasure, like a bank account from which all their children can continue to draw, down through the ages. The tefillos of those who are closest to G-d are the most precious to Him. Human nature is what it is — even in the greatest, most spiritual people — and the fact is, when things are going along smoothly and we don’t particularly need anything, we tend not to daven with the same intensity.
Although your situation is difficult, you are not FORCED to be jealous. You may not be in control of everything but you are in charge of your ATTITUDE, you are the boss of your own MIND and the ruler of your own character — you and no one else.
Hashem gives each and every person EXACTLY what he or she needs to perform his mission in the world. No one can be compared to anyone else. Each person is given the tools he needs to accomplish what Hashem had in mind for HIM — and sometimes what a person needs to grow great — believe it or not — is challenges, hardships and difficulties! The greater the person, the more difficult the challenges he faces. Only at the end of a life is it possible to look back and see exactly why each thing had to be — what was the purpose, what was the mission? This is in the World to Come. In this world, we do not know G-d’s intentions but we do know that whatever He does is ultimately to our benefit.
Please try to get hold of the book *The Mother in Our Lives* an anthology of writing by many different women, edited by Sarah Shapiro. My infertility story is in there, as I mentioned to you before. We adopted a son after 11 years of marriage, so I well understand your frustration and longing. (By the way, I do not get royalties — I’m not “selling” you the book for my benefit but because I hope you will find it comforting.)
Your feelings of jealousy are perfectly normal under the circumstances. The Torah says we should not be jealous so we have to work on ourselves to overcome those feelings — but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! When I had no children all those years, I used to avoid looking at pregnant women because I didn’t want to think any negative thoughts about
them. I also trained myself to pray for them — if I saw a pregnant woman, I would pray, “Please let her baby be born healthy and normal” — in order to remove negative feelings from my own heart.
In Pirkei Avos it says, “According to the suffering is the reward.” If removing jealousy from your heart is very difficult for you, then working on this trait will bring you great reward and blessing from Heaven. May Hashem grant you all the wishes of your heart for good.
–Toby Katz