Intermarriage, Marriage, Marriage and Dating

Two Religions In One Family

Question

Is it ok for me to marry a catholic men? He wants to marry me in front of an catholic church.

Answer

First, thanks for asking this question. It must have been hard to realize that the question needed to be asked. People connect with G-d in unique ways. Jews connect with G-d through the Torah and other people of other faiths connect in different ways. The Torah tells us that for a Jew to connect to G-d and gain spirituality he or she must adhere to the prescription for spirituality. There are 613 pathways to achieve spiritual greatness according to Torah law. These paths include mystical methodologies and everyday opportunities for greatness. Marrying a Jew is part of that lifestyle.

The answer to this question is really a commentary on what marriage is spiritually. Marriage, according to Jewish tradition, is the spiritual bonding of two individuals who have committed to each other that they want to give to each other and complement each other’s life. While any two people can serve the physical needs of each other, a Jew’s soul needs another Jew’s soul to properly compliment it. A Jew needs that spiritual prescription in order to facilitate climbing a higher spiritual ladder towards the future. When a Jew and non-Jew are together there is no marriage according to Jewish law. That is why it is really a misnomer to call it an “intermarriage” because according to Jewish law it is impossible for a Jew and a non-Jew to be bound in a Torah marriage and no Torah observant Rabbi will facilitate such a ceremony. In addition, there is a concept that every Jew is connected one to another. Therefore, when one Jew does something wrong or goes against the pure spirituality of the Torah it affects all of us. This is a global issue, not a personal one.

I hope that this helps you and that you think a lot about the power and weight of your decision. It will affect how your children are raised and since you will be doing a “marriage” ceremony in a church you obviously have no intent on living a Jewish life after marriage. Just think deeply about what you are giving up before you throw it away. I know someone who almost converted to Hindu, but decided to learn about Judaism before leaving it. She went to Israel, started learning, and became a Torah observant Jew instead of leaving it and becoming a Hindu and destroying the future generations of potential Jews in her family. I implore you to consider this.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt

Follow-up questions (3)

Question

I think that comment was very harsh. I am not Jewish but I dont think my bloodline for being Italian is a consideration for a Jewish woman not to marry me. Futhermore, Italians helped protect the Jewish community in the ancient times so I think if we obeyed the laws of Torah we would all be ok. What do you think?

Answer

Obeying the laws of the Torah for a Jew is not just opening up a book and following the laws. It is living your life with certain criteria, protocals, and priorities. The question of who is a Jew is simple. If a person was born of a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism (mikveh, circumcision – if male – and the doing of all the commandments) then they are Jewish. If a woman feels Jewish, marries a Jewish man, has children, raises the children Jewish, and then the children grow up and want to move to Israel or be married by an orthodox rabbi or be recognized in any way by the state of Israel they will have to go through a conversion – no question. Another law of the Torah is the prohibition of marrying a non-Jew. That is as simple and as black and white as hearing the shofar on Rosh Hashana. It is a law of the Torah like any other. I hope this clarifies this answer for you. In Jewish law the Torah is not a negotiation of feelings. It is a divine gift that we have the opportunity to use and receive great reward for performing commandments to our abilities.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt

Question

I think it is truly amazing and wonderful that the woman who was about to convert to Hinduism decided to learn about Judaism and then became an observant Jew. What was it that convinced her to want to learn more about Judaism? What did you suggest that she study first in order to spark her interest?

Answer

Hi, Thanks for writing in. Whenever you have a question of someone who doesn’t feel connected to Judaism to the point where they would look elsewhere before their own religion for spirituality I think that you have to investigate their educational background. What you will inevitably find is that their knowledge base is almost always slim to none. Therefore, since Judaism is a religion based on knowledge, and their knowledge is extremely minimal, as soon as they hear a little bit of Jewish wisdom they realize that they have been sitting on a deeply spiritual heritage and didn’t even know it. That is what usually happens. The instance that you read about in the question was about a woman who had little to zero Jewish practice in her life, but a Jewish family and strong “identity.” However, she was also searching for spirituality which, of course, Judaism had none of (!). Therefore, she was looking at Hinduism, Buddhism, and many other religions before she actually decided to turn back and look at her own faith.

To a certain extant there needs to be an internal desire to search before a person will realize that there might be something about Judaism that they have not seen. Why should the average non-observant Jew take notice that there is anything wrong with their life or missing from their lives when everything is going fine and they belong to a synagogue, give charity, and eat Matzah? The answer is that 90%+ of the Jewish people have no idea that Judaism is not about affiliation. They come once, twice, three times a year, light the Menorah, eat Matzah, buy Israeli bonds, and say that they have a “strong Jewish identity.” The truth is that it is that identity that sends some of them and their kids to Israel and it is that identity that sparked something in that girl that chose to look at Judaism before leaving it. I hope that this answer will shed some light on the reason why people will turn towards Judaism before leaving it. We are living during wartime. The war is raging and few are fighting. Let us all be fighters to keep our people alive and strong.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt

Question

I am Jewish woman by birth. My grandparent’s families were destroyed during the Holocaust. As a result they followed Judaism, but were not “Torah Jews” as their families were in Europe. I met my non-jewish husband when I was young and unsure about my faith. We were married by a Rabbi in a Jewish ceremony. My husband was given permission by “the church” to be married by a Rabbi. When we had children I felt very strongly about their being raised as good Jews. They received their education by Torah Jews, Rabbis and Jewish scholars. They respect and love Hashem. They continue their learning and perform Jewish acts of charity. In your answer to another person’s question, you stated that a marriage like mine is not really a marriage, as I married a non-jew. I am so distressed by this. I love my religion and am raising Jewish children. Is my marriage really not a marriage?

Answer

Thanks for submitting this question. I can appreciate your feelings about what I wrote. It does sound harsh and it is not inclusive to say that a Jewish man or woman cannot marry someone who is not Jewish and that the marriage never happened according to Jewish law. Let me clarify a couple of things. When I said that a Jewish person could not marry a non-Jew I said, “According to Torah law.” In other words, according to Torah law a marriage only happens when the union is between two people that are able to get married in the first place. The Torah forbids a union of a Jew to a non-Jew, and therefore the marriage never happened according to Torah law. That is not to say that in court it is irrelevant, or that in other religious venues it would not be recognized. Of course, two people regardless of faith are physically and emotionally capable of living together and raising a family. That was not the issue that I was addressing and is not the issue regarding the larger question of intermarriage. Judaism is a religion that survived 3,300+ years because we are “The People of the Book.” The only way we continue to survive is by following the Torah, which is the basis of our faith. Therefore, a Jew marrying a non-Jew is a statement that combats the very fabric of our nation.

In Western society we like to say that everybody is equal. In Judaism that is not the case. We see that there are Kohanim, the priests, and there are Levi’im, those who help them, and both have special privileges. However, with those privileges come restrictions as well. Kohanim cannot walk close to Jewish graves. This is very problematic when a close friend of a Kohen passes away. Regardless of the feelings or emotions of the Kohen, the Torah law stands and he cannot walk into the cemetery. It is simply a reality that we, as Jews, accept because we believe in G-d and His Torah. Similarly, the reality that exists regarding a Jew marrying a non-Jew is the same. There is simply no way for a Jew to marry a non-Jew according to Jewish law unless, of course, the non-Jew converts according to Torah law. I am sorry to be the bearer of news that you might find difficult, but although living a life of spirituality and growing with Torah is not an easy process, it is a rewarding process.

I wish you and your family continued happiness and success.

Be Well!

Rabbi Litt