I believe I am being tested over and over. The same situation is repeatedly entering my life. I cant seem to pass the test and each time I fail it is there again. I am starting to think it is my destiny to fail. I pray for help and guidance and the strength to pass, but cannot find the answer. How can I find the light and strength to make it through this trial.
The Torah assumes that even very great people will fail at least on occasion. See, for instance, Ecclesiastes 7:20 “For there is no righteous man in the world who will do (all) good and not sin.” And, more pointedly, in Proverbs 24:16: “For seven times a righteous man will fall, and rise again.”
Failure is a part of life and, in fact, what meaning would our successes have without at least the threat of our getting it wrong? I suppose that the truly important distinction is how we react to failure: if we allow ourselves to slip into despair and stop fighting, then indeed we are totally lost. However, if after each fall we get up, dust ourselves off and head back into the “battle” then what more can be expected of us? The fact that you obviously care very deeply about this problem suggests that you are still far from giving up. Your ambitious hopes are strong indications of your true values.
In other words, despite your frustrations, there is a great deal about you that should give you reason for optimism. Don’t give up! Having said that, it must be noted that we should make every effort to rise above our weaknesses. Perhaps, if this is the kind of problem about which this applies, you could spend some time studying those parts of the Torah – and especially the legal passages – which discuss your particular problem. Often, it is confusion of ambiguity that allows compromise under pressure. Seeing the Torah’s objective opinion in black and white can sometimes lift some of that confusion.
Perhaps, too, you could try to anticipate what kinds of things might trigger your failures and try to avoid even the things that might lead you towards trouble.
Finally, you might gain from studying a most beautiful book of Torah thought: Messilat Yesharim (The Path of the Straight), written three hundred years ago by the Italian Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato. You can find an English translation on-line here.
I wish you the very greatest success in facing your challenge and I fully expect that you will ultimately win this battle.
With my best regards,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton