Although I deeply care for my wife as a person, and respect her and the promise I made to be a good and loyal husband, I don’t find her to be attractive anymore. In fact, I’m not even sure that she was ever”the one.” What is my responsibility to her as a Jewish, ethical man, now that the children are grown?
A husband’s responsibility to his wife, from a Jewish standpoint, is to provide food, clothing, shelter, and loving care for the duration of their marriage together. Assuming that the partners are healthy, basically compatible, and committed to their marriage, the marriage is supposed to endure forever. The Torah does have a mechanism for the dissolution of marriage should problems arise. Divorce may be indicated if there is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; drug use; or severe dysfunction. Nevertheless, all else being equal, divorce is not the ideal solution to marital problems. Rather, the partners should work together to deepen their understanding of their respective needs, and to build and repair their relationship as needed.
In Judaism, love and marriage bears no resemblance to the familiar, “Western” concept of romantic love made popular in music, literature, and other media. The basic pattern of physical attraction (heady, passionate wooing, and “falling in love”) is foreign to Judaism–and rightly so. Since this sequence is usually followed by a gradual petering-out of the “old feelings”, such a process can and does wreak havoc on serious relationships and marriages, which require a much more durable bond with long-range vision. Sometimes the “end of the party” is reached within a year or two of the marriage, sometimes following a mid-life crisis, and sometimes in anticipation of the kids leaving the home. Regardless, if the marriage was built on candy and flowers, it is likely to lack staying power.
Jewish marriage, by contrast, is built on a solid bedrock of values: Creating a home that manifests Jewish values; building a family; and contribution to each other, to the community, and to the world at large. A mutual commitment to do this is the basis for marriage; the common cause creates the bond, which, in turn, becomes fertile ground for a deep, everlasting, and unconditional love. This is the type of marriage that sustains people throughout their lives. You can see it in older couples whose physical attractiveness has given way to stately elderliness; they nevertheless can look proudly at each other and say, “We did it right.”
You need to realize that your wife is not an appliance with a limited warranty that can simply be disposed of when you find her less attractive. You made a commitment to her, and this commitment is forever — unrelated to whether or not the children are grown. This new perspective on her looks, and the newfound lack of surety as to whether she was “the one”, are most likely manifestations of a mid-life crisis wherein you, noticing that time only marches in one direction, is desperate to get your youth back. You ought to take stock and realize that the key is not to futilely chase youth, but to continually work to make life — including marriage — fresh and new. You should re-frame your view of marriage from being one of an opportunity for getting, and turn it into arena for dedication and giving.
Your wife is inherently lovable, and once you married her, that is the clear sign that she is your intended; you needs to work with your feelings to provide her with what she needs. That is your ethical responsibility as a Jewish man.
All the best,
Tanchum Burton