… It seems like everything I try and do fails… I have asked G-D for forgiveness for all my sins and pray daily. I don’t know what more I can do or say ,or how to pray correctly, but it just seem like none of my prayers get answered. As a matter of fact things for me keep getting worse and worse. I know G-D does not hate me, but why are my prayers not heard or answered? Am I still being tested By G-D?
‘Why are your prayers not being answered?’ Let’s ask the question a little differently: ‘Are your prayers being heard?” I am convinced that they are. “G-d is close to ALL who call to Him…” (Psalms, 145). But can we be sure that G-d’s answer will always be ‘yes?’ Which human being can force G-d into any action? If G-d responded every time a particular person asked for something – even if he was a truly great person without any flaws at all – then that person would, in effect, have become G-d and G-d would have become his slave! We believe that G-d is the All-Powerful and All-Knowing and Merciful being who has a great and complex plan for the world where everything – even suffering – has a place. But we don’t know all the details of that plan…we can’t possibly know (that, according the medieval rabbi, the Ramban, is actually the message G-d gives to Job at the end of the Book of Job). We can only trust that it will all make sense one day.
So if your real and important needs aren’t met even after you ask for them, it’s not because G-d doesn’t love you and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re an evil person. Even the greatest of our prophets, Moshe (Moses) asked for things that weren’t granted (for instance, permission to enter the holy land)!
What, then, is the purpose of praying? In part, I believe that speaking to G-d and placing our trust in Him is a huge act of faith. We show that we accept that our fate is in His hands and that he is merciful, that he wants to do the best possible things for us. Praying sincerely is like any other commandment: we gain a great deal from it and often in ways we couldn’t imagine. Who knows what impact your heartfelt prayers will have on your own family and on the Jews of the whole world? One day we’ll find out, but in the meantime we continue to pray with faith!
What more can you do? You might try to make a realistic commitment to grow in your service of G-d (growth is something all human beings constantly need; we’re never “finished” until we leave this world). Perhaps you could attempt to find regular time for more Torah study (there’s a lot available on the Torah.org site, as I’m sure you know). Maybe greater acts of kindness (chessed). These are just general suggestions: I’m always reluctant to judge other people and try to guess where they need attention….
I admire the fact that, after all you’ve been through, you’re still eager to speak to G-d and bring yourself closer to Torah. I wish you the greatest success!
Rabbi Boruch Clinton