Our Relationship With the Deceased

Question

I lost my father recently. Does he still remember us? Where is he now? What kind of relationship can I have with him now?

Answer

Thank you for your question. The only time and place a human being can amass mitzvahs (good deeds and commandments) and Torah learning are in this world. Once a person dies his ability to accomplish and to earn more “credits” dies with him. The Talmud compares this world to the day before the Sabbath when we must devote ourselves to preparing for the Sabbath. We must shop, cook, bake and utilize the time to be able to rest and enjoy on the coming Sabbath day. Once the Sabbath comes we can only eat and rejoice in what we have worked for. The same applies to this world vs. the afterlife. We must devote, commit and dedicate ourselves in preparing our bodies and souls for the eternal life.

Sadly, many people squander their precious moments of life in the pursuit of vanity and material indulgences. There are many varying discussions in the Talmud and its commentaries about the relationship between a departed soul and those he/she leaves behind in this world. But one thing is for sure; you can definitely have a spiritual relationship and thereby have an influence on his state of wellbeing based on the actions that you undertake. You can help him accrue more good deeds by giving charitable donations, doing acts of kindness or learning Torah in his merit. By following the Torah and being G-d fearing Jew (even when done not in his merit but for your own sake) you will bestow upon him much eternal pleasure and satisfaction.

Follow-up question

Question

My father was an evil person. He cheated on his wife, was an alcoholic, and other unspeakable things. He and I had not spoken in 25 years and he died at the beginning of this month. My question is do I need to say kaddish for a man like this?

Answer

No, you do not have to say kaddish for him. However, consider this: his soul is now aware of the evil he perpetrated during his lifetime and he is surely remorseful and suffering for his sins. Saying the kaddish for the benefit of his soul would be an act of tremendous kindness on your part. If you cannot say the kaddish you could pay a yeshiva to have someone there say the kaddish in your place. Not everyone who realizes why you have chosen not to say kaddish is aware of the type of person your father was, and they may simply assume that you are a neglectful child.