As I passed each stage of my life i acted out in various ways. Some in rebellion. Now more mature and grateful for my life and I have started to see what my Jewishness and my Jewish beliefs mean. However one big regret was having tattoos. How can I deal with this knowing that it is forbidden. Each time I place teffilin I am ashamed of the markings on my arm. Even though mine were self imposed and G-D forbid I even consider myself in their light, how did the holocaust victims deal with this mentally and spiritually?
Thank you for your question. It is a very important one and you should be commended for your courage to change your life after so many years of living with a different set of values.
In terms of the tattoos, I would say that you have three choices. Choice number one is to have them removed. That, as I understand it, is a painful and timely process, but an effective one in most cases. Option two is to continue with your current perspective and have a difficult time resolving your past and your present. Option three is to learn how to turn who you were in the past into inspiration for yourself and others in the future.
You analogy to the Holocaust victims is a good one. When someone has something in his past and regrets it or wishes to forget it having a reminder can be a tremendous source of strength. By having to look at the tattoos and getting the strength each day from the knowledge that you came from one place and are now at another you can grow each day. Each time you put on teffilin you have to reflect on your personal teshuvah and how you have theoretically grown. We all could use a boost every once in a while. You have a constant reminder, while the rest of us have to pray that we remember what it means to do teshuvah. I am not advocating keeping the tattoos or having them removed. That is a personal decision. However, what I can say is that if you decide to keep them don’t think of them as a roadblock to teshuvah, but rather as an instrument of teshuvah. Since I am
also a baal teshuva I can tell you that it is not easy remembering where you come from and therefore having a kosher perspective on where you should be going. For you, I would imagine, you are constantly reminded of your past and have a reference point to know where you are in relation to where you have been.
There is a story of a man who was going to the mikveh with his son one erev Shabbos. A man walked in who had tattoos all over his body. All of the men were intimidated and afraid to go into the mikvah with this man. However this man took his son by the hand and went over to the tattood gentleman, obviously a baal teshuvah. He grabbed the man by the arm, showed him his tattoos from WW2 and said, “Come, my brother, let us emerse and become holy together.”
Be Well,
Rabbi Litt