I have been becoming more observant of Torah law — more so than my family, who is not religious at all. I want to eat only kosher and keep the Sabbath. However, I live at home, and the fifth commandment says that I must obey my parents! Therefore, I cannot force them to buy me kosher meat, keep separate dishes for meat and milk, or help me keep the Sabbath. Thus to maintain a respectful and loving relationship with my family, I cannot become as observant as I would like. What would you recommend I do about this?
Thank you for this great question. Your situation is a complicated one. The struggle between honoring ones parents and obeying the Torah can be hard at times. The general idea is that you must always obey your parents, unless they ask you to do something that is against the Torah. In terms of making your situation work, you should not ask them to do anything for you. You should show them that you are serious about your commitment by buying your own kosher products. I do not know if you are working and can afford to do that. If not, maybe someone in the area can help you. If you show that you are serious, with as much love, compassion, and understanding as possible, then your family will not be as upset. If you are arrogant and pushy, then they will be threatened by your activities.
Most of us make the mistake of thinking that we have to be zealots about our Judaism, especially with those closest to us. The opposite is true. With those closest to us we must take a step back and realize that these are the people who will feel the most threatened by even the slightest change in our lives. A change in a child, from the parent’s perspective, means that they did not fulfill the needs of the child, so the child is going elsewhere. It is very threatening – even if you do not mean it that way!
The best thing that you can do is to be steadfast in your desire to grow and simply show that this is something that is important to you (without putting any of the burdens on them). As soon as you make it your mother’s obligation to buy something for you, or do something to make your Sabbath easier, it becomes something that she will not like. If, however, you follow your heart and do what you believe is right, then others around you will see that and eventually come to respect it. This may take time, but all important things in life take time to come to fruition. Just be patient. The most important thing is to continue to learn and grow.
Be well and feel free to write back if you have further questions.
Rabbi Litt