A Project Genesis website

Soul Partners and Polygamy

Question

I’ve heard many Rabbis speak about how each man is destined for a woman and marriage is the joining of two half souls. These are all beautiful concepts but in the past Jewish men were allowed to marry as many women as they wanted to. It was only a Rabbi’s decree that limits men to 1 woman. Can you explain this apparent conflict?

Answer

Hi, Thanks for asking such a great question. The truth is that you are right. Today we speak about a man and a woman becoming one. We speak about a husband and wife being “ezer k’negdo,” filling in each others gaps and having our neshamas, our souls, intertwine. However, biblically, a man can marry more than one wife. What does that do to the soul?

The answer is that when a man married a wife (in biblical times) he was responsible for each wife and he was not allowed to marry a woman unless he was be able to take care of her. Also, she maintained her own place of living. So, if a man had three wives, he would live in one house and he might have his three wives living in three different houses. In other words, his physical and spiritual resources were split up.

In our society, that is not acceptable. Therefore, Rabbeinu Gershom made a decree that lasted for 1000 years (which incidentally just ran out, but don’t worry we still follow it) that a man could not marry more than one woman. So, therefore, just like a man’s physical belongings are split up to three women, so spiritually, if a man marries three women, his spiritual “belongings” are split three ways as well. He becomes a “spiritual partner” with those women. Her spirituality, however, is only connected to him. Once the decree was made that a man could only marry one woman, his spiritual and her spiritual beings were intertwined singularly. In other words, there is no option anymore for a man to marry more than one wife, so it therefore is by default that two people’s souls are intertwined.

It also seems as though this was how it was meant to be. When the Torah speaks of a man having two wives and them being together it’s called a “Tzora”. “Tzora” in Hebrew means “tough”…

Be Well,
Rabbi Gershon Litt

Follow-up question

Question

I was blessed to have been married 20 years to my soul-mate and have many wonderful children (and now grandchildren). However, G-d saw fit for reasons beyond my understanding to take my husband when he was 45, and now that years have passed, and the children have grown, I’m wondering: how I can remarry? How can I ever have such a deep connection to someone else? Can a person have two “soul-mates”?

Answer

This is not an easy question to answer and I am not going to try to tell someone else how they should feel or what emotions should be coming forth at such a difficult juncture in their life. However, one thing to keep in mind is that before your husband was taken from you the relationship that you shared was based in happiness, sadness, purity, excitement, and many more emotions that husbands and wives experience. It sounds like the only emotion that you are experiencing is one of grief and despair in terms of you hopes to start a new life. Is that what Hashem wants from us? Does He want us to taste life and then if we, G-d forbid, are thrown into difficult circumstances to live despondently? I do not believe so. Judaism teaches that we were created to live happy lives and to take every life event as a building block of experiences to be able to build a solid spiritual foundation for ourselves. What you have gone through is tragic, but moving on and trying to bring new happiness into your life is something that you must pursue. Will you always be comparing any new man to your husband? Maybe, but that is not fair. It is not fair to you or a potential husband. When the time is right try to approach it as fresh as you can with as much of an open mind as possible.

Finally, I would highly suggest seeing a therapist to talk through your personal feelings and put your emotions on the table, preferably a therapist familiar with your Jewish lifestyle. There are many and someone who can understand your perspective might be tremendously helpful in guiding you through this. I hope this was helpful. Feel free to write back if you have further questions.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt