I have a personal problem with a close relative that cannot be resolved. The other party is very stubborn, and now is the time for making amends. What should I do?
As a friend recently said to me about divorce, “There is always his side, her side, and the truth.”
As much as you may be certain that the fault is all with the other party, the problem may in fact be 25% or even just 10% your fault.
Ideally both parties would seek reconciliation, but when that doesn’t happen, the one who cares more — in this case, you, since you are the one asking the question — will unilaterally make a move towards peace.
I once asked my brother what to do in a case where someone felt hurt by my actions, yet I was certain that I had done the right thing. My brother replied, “I always apologize whether I’m wrong or right.” I haven’t personally reached my brother’s level yet, but I do think it’s a level to aspire to. If you are even 10% to blame for the problem, and you apologize for your share, the other person may in turn acknowledge some fault on his side, too.
You don’t say whether the other person is younger or older than you. In general it is more the responsibility of the younger person to act with respect towards an older person. But again, if a younger person doesn’t do what he ideally should do, then you make the overture to peace.
Aharon the Kohen Gadol used to make peace between people by telling each party to the quarrel that the other person wanted to make amends. This suggests that a mediator or go-between can sometimes be of help.
If the relative is someone you love and yet he really does have serious character flaws, you may have to just live with them in order to maintain a relationship. If the relative is a teenaged son or daughter, there may be nothing to do but allow time to work its magic, as we do with yogurt and fine wine.
In Pirkei Avos it says, “Hevei dan es kol ha’adam lekaf zechus–judge each person favorably.” When it comes to our own thoughtless or hasty actions, we are well able to find excuses: “I didn’t mean it the way he took it; I was busy; I was depressed; I had other obligations he didn’t know about, yada yada.”
Very rarely does a person say to himself, “I’m just a no good lout, I am rude, nasty, self-centered and inconsiderate.” Instead, we think of ourselves as basically good and well-meaning people who, maybe, slipped up one time. Why not try to make such excuses for the other party, too? Why not give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that if you could see the situation through his eyes, he might not look so stubborn and so obviously wrong-headed?
The strange thing is that often, when we try to judge others favorably, the far-fetched excuses we make for other people are really the truth! “He didn’t mean to be nasty, he was tired, he didn’t notice that I was in the room” whatever. And even if he really is wrong — about this issue, whatever it is — the act of trying to view the issue through his eyes may itself make you feel more sympathetic towards him and less angry.
One other thing to remember in this season of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur — the season of Judgement — is that our Sages say that G-d behaves towards us as we behave towards others. If we bend over backwards to see the good in others and forgive the bad, then G-d will also judge us favorably on the Day of Judgement and overlook some of our wrong-doings, too.