Intermarriage, Marriage, Marriage and Dating

What’s Wrong With Intermarriage?

Question

If I knew that I would have a wonderful married life with a nonJew and that my children would grow up following Jewish law completely as a result, what argument would Judaism have against it? I’m afraid that I will not accept “the torah/talmud says so” as an answer.

Answer

It’s always appropriate to ask for precise sources. The Torah is yours as much as it’s mine so you have a right to answers!

The main source (even though the concept implicitly underlies countless passages in the Talmud) that Jewish-law marriage can’t work with a Gentile is from tractate Kiddushin 68b. Maimonides, in his legal code (Laws of Marriage, ch. 4, para 15), confirms that “kiddushinâ€? has no effect on a union involving a Gentile.

Here’s a loose translation of the passage from the Talmud:

“. . .and how does one know that marriage with a non-Jewish woman is forbidden? Because it is written (Deut. 7; 3):do not contract marriage with them’. (So) we see that such a marriage doesn’t work.

But how do we know that the (ensuing) children aren’t Jewish? Rabbi Yochanan says in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai, that it says (Deut. 7; 4) :for he will remove your son from you’ (which implies) that only a child from a Jewish mother is considered yours while a child (i.e., your grandson born to your son and his non-Jewish wife) from a non-Jewish mother is not considered your (i.e., he’s not Jewish).â€?

Let me also note that many Jews possess a very strong resistance to intermarriage – even Jews whose lives are lived in near-complete ignorance of the ideals of the Torah This resistance is borne of the (often subconscious) conviction that with an intermarriage, the Jewishness of that particular family has come to an end.

On a deeper level, though, I think it often comes from the subtle knowledge that in Jewish terms, the purpose of marriage has little or nothing to do with love and personal or mutual fulfillment (as important, desirable and reasonable as these things are). Rather, we primarily see marriage as a vital tool to be used in the task of creating and strengthening a society of thoughtful, moral and G-d-fearing citizens.

But for a family to teach (through lesson and example) the values needed for a proper Torah-oriented world, it must itself be firmly, intelligently and cooperatively committed to them. By the way, I think it goes without saying that a strong, loving and mutually supportive relationship between parents will go a long way to enhance the “delivery” of the message (not to mention providing many, many other benefits in all aspects of life) -but it’s still only a tool.

Now you can imagine how difficult it would be for a “mixed” marriage to fulfill these specifically Jewish goals. By laying the cornerstone of your family life on a foundation foreign to the lofty ideals and messages of the Torah, you are, in a way, banishing their happy and life-giving properties from your life!

There’s a practical angle to this as well: Ultimately, no one can be sure that a given marriage or relationship will be successful so it is a bit of a gamble Furthermore, the cultural gap between a Jew and his non-Jewish partner is greater than in most marriages and that, statistically and intuitively, can contribute to greater pressure and misunderstanding. Neither of those is healthy for a marriage. While, of course, any marriage can fail (in any number of ways) if the odds against a particular marriage are greater (as, statistically, mixed marriages involving Jews are far more often than not of shorter duration), that must count against its advisability.

With my best wishes for the future,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton
Ottawa, Canada

Follow-up questions (2)

Question

I have heard numerous reasons why intermarriage in the Jewish faith is not acceptable to Judaism and many Jews. If a Jew marries a Christian (although they share some common beliefs and grounds), the Christian would want the children to be Christian. Whereas the Jew would desire a Jewish child to be raised. Conflicting beliefs concerning the Messiah would causes discord in the child’s beliefs. But what I seem to encounter most: is the common idea that most gentiles are Christian. If a Jew marries a Christian, then each one will have their own beliefs. But what if a Jewish person marries someone who is agnostic, or Buddhist? These religions simply solve the religious conflict by saying: “Whatever works for you” In this case, wouldn’t there be much less conflict, because there would not be any difference of beliefs? I would like the more educated opinion of a rabbi.

Answer

While there may be certain well-known explanations for this or that Torah commandment, we keep a mitzva primarily because G-d told us to. As one can’t expect to fully understand G-d’s thinking (see, for instance, Isaiah 55:8 ), even a good, honest guess as to the logic of a command will not affect its performance.

Therefore, I would suggest that intermarriage (which is a command of Biblical origin) is something a Jew must observe regardless of the likelihood of children straying.

Nevertheless, even from a purely rational perspective, it would be extremely difficult to build a family devoted enthusiastically to serving our G-d while “sharing the stage” with an idolater (the Buddhist) or one who rejects the love and power of G-d (the agnostic). Your home should be the place where your love and excitement for G-d is the most natural and pronounced but in these circumstances, that kind of attitude is unthinkable.

Now what, you might ask, about a marriage between a Jew and a ben Noach who fully shares the Jewish love for G-d? Couldn’t their marriage and family be in consonance with Torah values? Perhaps that’s not such a distant possibility. However, we must, at the very least, fall back once again on the word of G-d’s law: intermarriage is wrong.

Wishing you the very best success,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton

Question

What if a non-Jewish women marries a non-Jew (for example, a Christian or Muslim) and then wishes to convert to Judaism? Would her conversion require her to divorce first?

Answer

It is very unlikely that any Orthodox conversion court would allow a person to convert if there were serious lifestyle conflicts to full observance of the Torah’s laws. Marriage with a non-Jew would probably qualify as a serious conflict.

However, there really is no need for a non-Jew to convert to Judaism in order to achieve greatness in God’s eyes. You might like to see here for an example of a way of life that allows non-Jews to adopt the values of the Torah in a more universal context. And it’s far from impossible to do this while still involved happily in a marriage (assuming that there’s the basic trust and understanding needed to accommodate two religious views in one home).

I wish you the greatest success in your search,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton
Ottawa, Canada