Loss of a Spouse

Answer

Allow me to offer you my consolations. The Talmud says that “A spouse dies only to their spouse” by which it means that when, say, parents die the children have their own lives to lead but when a spouse dies there is a real vacuum created. Undoubtedly you spent many hours, days and weekends together. You did everything together. You did things for each other. All of a sudden there is this terrible and painful vacuum and hence your question “What do I do now?”

However strong your question it is the wrong question right after a loss. That is, you should not be seeking alternate meaning in life now. Rather, Jewish law requires that you first go through a period of mourning. Your question should not be “What should I do with my life” but rather your directive should be “I must experience the pain and carefully think of all I have lost.”

Jewish law is very clear that the period of mourning should last at least a month (and for parents a year). Emotionally, a year is an excellent period of time during which to mourn and eventually evolve from that mourning back to normal life. Judaism does not belittle emotions. Moses, himself, the father of all prophets, beautifully called God, ‘The God of emotions of all humans.” We should learn from this.

Jewish law is not just emotional about mourning. Mourners must not only feel but literally must enact the acts of a depressive person. The mourner is destructive: He tears his clothes; The mourner is depressive: He does not bathe, shave, socialize or do normal living activities. Jewish law wants us to seriously go through this depressive state. The only way to heal the pain of death is through time itself. The Talmud says “It is a decree that the dead will eventually be forgotten.”

But afterwards? What then? You will find as you go through your month or year of mourning that you begin to appreciate acutely certain shared activities you had with your spouse. You begin to define anew your needs. You need a person to do X with, you need a person to do Y for you, you need a person to give Z to. There are many “X,Y,Z”s but you define what is most important to you.

As you go through the mourning period you begin attempting to fulfill your needs again. You meet people you can give to; people you can share with and people who give to you.

Eventually you reach an equilibrium in which you have adjusted to your loss and replace, not the person you lost – since a person can never be replaced – rather the social interactions you had.

The material in this letter is an outline of a program. The program cannot be done in one day. Why? Because you spent many years with your spouse and it would be insulting to the spouse to attempt to summarize a multi-year relationship in 100 words or less. It simply cannot be done. But as time goes on you will select those small aspects of your relationship that are most important and be able to move forward.

Wishing you well in your recovery process – Sincerely,
Dr. Russell Jay Hendel;