I have two granddaughters that consistently behave obnoxiously to me. They even refer to me by my first name. My daughter tells me I have to earn her children’s respect first by taking the children out and bribing them with gifts. Then they will call me Grandma. I am a no name to them. It is very sad that they bring the kids up this way.[…]
While this probably won’t score a lot of points under these circumstances, it must still be stated that the Torah does stress how children and grandchildren must go to great lengths to honor and support their living ancestors – and not the other way around. The Talmud even describes a certain Gentile (from a nation not generally known for its decency or morality) who was willing to forego his personal respect and even a huge business opportunity rather than disturb his parents in any way…and his parents weren’t at all easy to live with.
We see the very stability of our society and the integrity of our entire tradition hanging on a healthy respect for elders. Beyond the expectation of common decency and consideration, a Jewish child can demand nothing of his parents and, if for no greater reason than recognition of the gift of life itself, must show them endless patience and love.
Granted, from the perspective of many people in the secular world, there’s nothing much of value to be found in the past, but that has never been a Jewish approach. In another context, I once wrote:
How reluctant are our rabbis to use their great abilities to create something new! This reluctance is really very old and, at times, has been so deeply ingrained in the national psyche that even Jews on the fringe of religious society have expressed it as a matter of course. One striking example is the following rather lengthy passage from Flavius Josephus, the Jew of complex loyalties who wrote histories for his Roman masters during and after the period of the destruction of the Second Temple:
“And, indeed, hence hath arisen that accusation which some make against us, that we have not produced men that have been the inventors of new operations, or of new ways of speaking; for others think it a fine thing to persevere in nothing that has been delivered down from their forefathers, and these testify it to be an instance of the sharpest wisdom when these men venture to transgress those traditions; whereas we, on the contrary, suppose it to be our only wisdom and virtue to admit no actions nor supposals that are contrary to our original laws; which procedure of ours is a just and sure sign that our law is admirably constituted; for such laws as are not thus well made are convicted upon trial to want amendment.” (Flavius Josephus: Contra Apion, Book 1, Paragraph 21:)
So, I suppose you could conclude that I wholeheartedly agree with your reluctance to attempt to “buyâ€? your grandchildren’s affections and that the principle, indeed, is an important one. I’m afraid, though, that I have very little practical advice to offer you beyond one general observation: while maintaining his dignity and standards, a person who has been mistreated can, at the same time, offer regular, heartfelt expressions of unconditional love and respect in the (realistic) hope that a normal person can’t but eventually soften and respond in kind. This is a tested, and often-successful approach. And you can’t lose by it. I hope that this has been of some help.
With my regards,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton