A Project Genesis website

Premarital Sex

Question

Is premarital sex forbidden? If so, by which Commandment? What if you want to have premarital sex to make sure there is sexual compatibility before making the decision to marry?

Answer

Premarital sex is still prohibited by Torah law. See Lev. 15; 25 – 28 concerning a menstrual woman and her ritual status. As is fairly clear from this passage (and more explicit in the Talmud), sexual relations during this time are forbidden even with a woman’s husband, and are only permitted upon immersion in a mikvah (ritual bath).See also Deut. 23; 18 (and the commentary Rashi) which prohibits a person (man or woman) from engaging in casual sexual activity with multiple partners.

What is the purpose of intimacy of various kinds between men and women? Why was it created? I strongly believe that God gave us this gift to enable the creation of strong, healthy and productive families. If a husband and wife have managed to create an emotional bond, then the comprehensive happiness and unity of purpose that ensues will usually extend to their children. If children are raised in a truly harmonious and peaceful home, they will exude health and will probably follow their parents’ direction (either way though, in the real world, it’s going to be bumpy – there’s no room for heavenly bliss on this earth – that’s for the other place). This is an environment where God’s Torah can be properly and successfully transmitted.

But if that harmony is too badly damaged or was never achieved in the first place, things will come so much harder. Marriage, as everyone knows, is an institution under a lot of pressure these days. Who wants to lower his chances of having a successful marriage?

Pre-marital relationships weaken adult marriages. I strongly believe that it’s no coincidence that the statistical success rates for marriages accelerated their decline at the same time as social barriers preventing casual, pre- and extra-marital intimacy came down. You can’t separate the physical from the emotional as every relationship you create changes you significantly. A married couple must form a firm emotional bond, but if this relationship is only one more out of a whole line of relationships, their chances are poor.

It’s like Scotch Tape – it just doesn’t stick as well the second time, does it?

I hope this helps.

With my best regards,
Rabbi Boruch Clinton
Ottawa, Canada

Follow-up question

Question

Technically, if a woman were to have gone to the mikva, before marriage, wouldn’t pre-marital sex be permissable? After all, the issue of nidah is no longer there. A woman after she immerses herself becomes pure, so what would be preventing her halachically from the Torah to not have pre-marital sex?

Answer

First of all, there is a high degree of complexity involved in properly preparing for the mikva (which involves, among other things, seven daily self-checks to ensure that bleeding has indeed stopped and meticulous attention to anything on the body that might prevent mikva water from making full contact). There is a considerable level of halachic expertise that must either be mastered through seforim or through practical questions asked of a competent rabbi. None of this is likely to occur given the social conditions associated with pre-marital sex.

Besides that (all of which deals only with the niddah issue), there are other problems. According to the gemara (Avoda Zara 36b) the bais din of David forbade yichud (seclusion) with a single woman (even when not a nidah). Under certain circumstances, such pre-marital unions could render a woman incapable of marrying a kohen. Perhaps most importantly, though, this is something that will surely cause more trouble than it’s worth. Whether through weakening future relationships, inviting disease or unwanted, tragic pregnancies, or simply creating unstable and explosive life-conditions, it’s not a great idea. It may not seem so from the “other side” and I can’t prove it to you, but at least you know that that’s the strongly held opinion of at least one fellow who’s done his fair share of crisis counseling.

So there may be the issue of girls not being allowed to enter a mikva due to the stringincy of today’s society preventing young girls from having premarital sex, but if one were to go to the ocean with a witness, what can stop them there?

As I’ve written above, it’s more than simple stringency. There are real problems associated with this type of activity. Our Torah society has no power to tell anyone what to do. Perhaps this is a good thing, because those who choose to remain loyal to HaShem, often do so intelligently and passionately. And it’s specifically in these complex and sometimes difficult halachos that we have to opportunity to apply our free will to develop and manifest the profound (and cheerful) fear of Heaven that is the hallmark of successful Jews. You are seeking truth and I’m confident that you’ll make your decisions responsibly and grow as a result.