Intermarried Cousin

Question

My cousin is getting married to a non Jewish girl. My family and I are not happy with this. He had been going out with her for already a few years, but we’ve not really told anything to him about this. We don’t know what do? Should we just let him go and go away from Judaism, and forget about it? Should we speak out to him?

Answer

This is a very sensitive topic to broach with a relative. Often it is the people closest to us that notice the things that we have to work on or where we are making mistakes and it is often the same person who is the most difficult to hear it from.Your cousin needs an education, but I am not sure if you are the right one to give it to him. It could be that some rabbi nearby might be able to invite him for Shabbos and initiate the relationship. That would be the best.

If you are really close to him and do not feel as though having this discussion will harm the relationship then you can gently try. The problem, however, is that most people who are willing to marry someone not Jewish don’t understand what the big deal is and anyone who thinks that they are making a mistake is simply close minded and narrow. I would be cautious, as most relationships of this nature do not work over the long term. As a result, I have found that if someone else can approach the person and then try to intervene that is best. Since most relationships of this nature end in divorce or break-up your relationship with him can be very influential later as well when he needs you then. I hate to put it that way, but it is just the reality that we live in. In a “normal” family relationship over 60% will end in divorce. In an interfaith relationship the stats get much worse.

You can have a casual discussion with him about children. Ask a question like, “Have you thought about how you will raise your kids together?…..Gosh, I don’t think that I could take a Christmas tree in my house” or “I think that I would always want to give my kids the option of going to Israel. Did you know that if your wife is not Jewish, then your kids will not be either and according to the State of Israel they will never be recognized as citizens?” You can put it on yourself, as to how you think you would feel, but try not to go at him. I don’t find much success at that. Make him think about his actions, but do it in a loving, friendly way. You never know how that will sink in.

The best advise I have for you is just to be there for him and gently let him know that you love him, but make him realize that you do not support his choice.

I wish you all the Mazal in the world and may the Almighty guide you to a continued positive relationship with your relative who needs you more than ever right now.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt

Follow-up questions (2)

Question

I am in a serious relationship with a Jewish man and I am Christian. We have been together for some time and we have began to discuss marriage. His family and I have a good relationship and I know they like me as a person but my religion is an issue for them. They have suggested that I convert to Judaism. I just do not feel this would be right since I am Christian and I have faith in my religion. However, I have tremendous respect for Judaism and I would be ok with our future children being raised Jewish. I know that according to Jewish law, children are what their mothers are but if I agree to raise my children would that be acceptable? I know this is a sensitive issue and I am really looking for some assistance. Thank you

Answer

Hi, Thanks for asking this difficult question. You are right – according to Jewish law the children are whatever the mother is. If you marry this man and have children they will not be Jewish regardless of how you raise them. They will not be recognized as Jews, have rights to live in Israel as Jews, or be able to have any synagogue rights as Jews. How a person is raised is not relevant with regards to their status as a Jew.

The reason why intermarriage is such a severe issue in Judaism today is because once a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman his lineage as a Jew dies as does the family’s. That is why his family is so upset. This has nothing to do with you and I am sure that you are a wonderful person. Also, the undisputed facts are that children of mixed marriages generally leave both religions completely because there is no way to intermingle Judaism and any other faith successfully. You cannot have a Christmas tree and a Channukah menorah and teach children that both are true and that they should decide for themselves. I have never seen it work and psychologists say such an education is actually damaging to a child’s emotional development because all the parents are doing are confusing the kids. If you say that your faith is important to you then there is no way that you will really be able to bring your kids up Jewish because that would not be fare to your religious expression.

Nobody can force you to convert to Judaism and converting for him is not a valid conversion anyway. You have to want it. Before you can even know what Judaism really is, however, you have to learn about it. There are many opportunities to learn about traditional Judaism and learn. What I would suggest is that you throw this back on your boyfriend. Tell him that you would be willing to learn more about Judaism and what it teaches, but only if he is willing to actually live a Jewish life. My hunch is that he also really doesn’t know much about his religion. There is an organization called Partners in Torah. They have a program that is totally free and it is over the phone. They will hook you up with a study partner and learn with you as a couple for 20 minutes – an hour a week about anything you want. You can ask questions and learn together. Before you make a hard life decision that will affect your children you need to know what this religion is really about. The phone number is 1-800-STUDY-4-2. Give them a call.
I hope that this helps.

Be Well,
Rabbi Litt

Question

With regards to the issue of marrying a non-jew, I am the result of an interfaith marriage, my father being Jewish and my mother being Christian. I have always considered myself a Jew and have been relatively observant. I knew that you are only born a Jew if your mother is Jewish, so does that mean I must convert to actually be considered a Jew?

Answer

Hi, According to Jewish law, a person is defined as a “Jew” if they were born of a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism according to Jewish law.

Conversion means:

1.)Accept upon themselves the entire Torah and all of its laws – as well as accept upon oneself the “yolk of heaven” – that you believe in G-d, His people Israel having a unique covenant and that they were given the Torah.

2.)Go to the mikveh – both men and women

3.)Bris – ritual circumcision – for men

The state of Israel recognizes only Orthodox conversions as valid due to lack of meeting the basic requirements by other movements.

The bottom line is that if your mother was not Jewish then you must convert properly if you want to be a Jew.

It is not an easy path, but one that is well worth it and those who choose Judaism are often incredibly dedicated individuals who have incredible levels of love for the Torah and fear of Heaven.

I hope this helps,
Rabbi Litt