Question: Recently my father died and I had to sit Shiva. I felt totally out of place and it felt strange to me. I sat Shiva once before when my grandfather died, but I was only 12 years old and I didn’t understand why I was doing it. Why must we do this for the loss of a loved one? I think its like dwelling on the person’s death and wrong!

Answer: Thank you for your email. I would first like to express my sincere sympathy for the loss of your father. I have taught many people about Shiva and mourning but no words can describe the experience of losing a parent, especially a father for a man. There are many Jewish mourning customs and they all have a tremendous psychological benefit. Evidently (and I’m not a psychologist), the best way for a person to process grief and grow beyond the grief is to grieve, to let oneself be sad, to cry, to dwell on one’s loss, to talk about the departed in the past tense, etc. I have spoken to many people who have followed the Jewish customs to a greater or lesser degree, and my experience is that the degree to which one follows these customs is directly proportional to the degree to which one moves on psychologically. I know individuals who did not sit Shiva or do any of the other customs and they have told me that they are still mourning their parent many years later.

If you lost your father within the past year, you may be interested to know the other customs in addition to Shiva. The book I most recommend is Rabbi Lamm’s Jewish Mourning book. If you read it, know that it’s not a question of all or nothing – he tells you every detail. But better that you should know what the range of customs is, in order to make an educated decision what you will do and not do.

That said, beyond the week of Shiva, the most important in my opinion are:

1. To say kaddish as often as possible with a Minyan (a group of 10 Jewish men), preferably once a day
2. Not to listen to any music or attend any festive gathering until the first Yahrtzeit.
3. To do conscious acts in your father’s honor and memory, such as: giving donations of any amount, learning Torah for 5 minutes a day, etc.

That said, there are other reasons we do Shiva and these other things. Tradition teaches that the departed soul gets tremendous benefit from all of these things we do. I cannot explain all of these details in an email; I looked around the internet for a concise summary and could not find one, but I did find some helpful information here: The Stages of Jewish Mourning and MyKaddish.com

Hope this is a helpful start.

Best Wishes,
Rabbi Alexander Seinfeld