Question: I know that Jewish law places strict limitations on physical contact between men and women who are not married.  Nevertheless, I firmly believe that person cannot fully get to know someone else without any physical contact. So how do Jews choose a spouse?

Answer: You may be right, but who says you have to fully know someone before marrying? Of course, a couple has to be sure that they share the same basic goals and that they enjoy each other’s company and ways of thinking; but where is it written that two people who aren’t intimately familiar with each other can’t build a strong (or stronger) relationship or find their “soulmate??? In fact, to me at least, it’s obvious that general social standards have failed miserably: Think about divorce rates that, in many parts of North America, are approaching 90% (that means that nine out of ten couples getting married today will experience marital collapse – usually within ten years)!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the general institution of marriage collapsed (over the past 50 years) just as it became socially acceptable for couples to engage in all kinds of casual, physical contact. Marriage bonds under the best of conditions are very delicate, but adding any number of previous, deep, emotional, and physical relationships is certainly not going to help.  Think of Scotch Tape – it doesn’t stick nearly as well the second time, does it?

I wish you the very greatest success in your continued Torah growth. If I can be of any help, please let me know.

Rabbi Boruch Clinton