Question: I have a Jewish boyfriend, but I am not Jewish. Is there any possibility we can marry? What would we have to do?

Answer: Hello and thanks for your question.

Here are my thoughts: First of all, the vast majority of rabbis today will not perform such a marriage. It is against our religion to marry out. Furthermore, we encourage ALL people to marry within their religion, whether they are practicing or not. Here is part of the reason why:

Most people[1] agree that a committed Church-going Christian and a committed synagogue-going Jew should not marry each other. They are just asking for trouble. The chances of success are small, and the kids are at risk. Yet people feel that “we’re not so religious, so it doesn’t matter.”

But the thing to understand is that attitudes towards religion and culture change – often quite dramatically – during one’s life.

Let us take a Jewish example[2]:

A strong majority of Jewish kids today have some kind of Jewish education growing up. Most families celebrate the holidays in some way. Most kids have Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. For the first period of their lives – childhood – Jewish identity is relatively high.

And then comes the Bar or Bat Mitzvah…

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister were taking a walk. The priest and minister were complaining about     mice in their churches. The rabbi was silent. They noticed that he wasn’t saying anything and asked, “Rabbi, do you have mice in your synagogue?”

“Well, we used to,” he answered, “but we got rid of them.”

“How did you get rid of them?” they asked.

“I don’t think my solution is going to work for you,” he responded

“Please tell us!” they insisted

“Well,” he said, “one Saturday morning I got all the mice together in synagogue and Bar and Bat Mitzvah’ed them. And they never came back to synagogue.”

And, statistically this is true. The teenage years and twenties are, for many people, a time of rebellion: A recent poll[3] found that the least religious time in a person’s life was their twenties, meaning that people get re-involved in their heritages later.

When do they get re-involved? There are many variations but usually in their late twenties or early thirties.

Why? Again, there are many variations, but major reasons are: (a) The parties were fun, but I’m still not happy. I want more; (b) the traveling was interesting but now I want to find myself; I am looking for more meaning now; (c) I have kids now. I’m a parent! So what do I teach this child? What traditions am I passing on? What values?; (c) when a person loses a relative, i.e. a parent, they start to think more about life, meaning, religion, etc.

Whatever the particular reasons, even if you don’t feel very “religious” now, the chances are high that one or both of you will change soon. So the “issues” of interfaith relationships apply to anyone, whether “religious” or not.

Here are a few points to think about:

1) Effects on the marriage

As one intermarried woman put it,

“Nothing is simple. Where to live, what holidays to celebrate, what food to serve, where to send the kids to religious school – everything is a question. Everything ends in an argument. Things that should bring you closer drive you further apart.”

Not surprising that inter-faith marriages – whether involving a Muslim marrying a Hindu, a Catholic marrying a Protestant, or a Jew marrying a non-Jew  – report far less happiness and far more divorce than comparable same-faith marriages[4]. Reason #1 to Marry Jewish: Better for Your Marriage.

2) Effects on the kids

A little boy comes home from school one day and asks his father, “Where do I come from?” His father gets very embarrassed and eventually talks about how babies are made.

When he finishes, the son replies, “No, Dad. I mean where do I come from? Robert says he is from France: where do I come from?”

It is a funny little joke but it hints at something kids start doing very young and continue through adolescence and beyond -  trying to find out who they are and where they fit in. Kids who grow up in mixed-marriages have a hard time “fitting in” and finding themselves – they typically report low self-confidence and sense of belonging. No surprise that intermarriage therapists and literature from around the world cite this as the number one problem of intermarriages: the high risk of hurting the kids[5]. Reason #2 to Marry Jewish: Much Better for the Kids.

3) Effects on Jewishness

You may know of individual cases where children stayed Jewish despite one of the parents being non-Jewish. Unfortunately, the reality is almost always otherwise. In country after country, in study after study over the last thirty years, it has become abundantly clear that the chances of Jewishness staying alive in intermarried families are very, very low.

To quote just a few facts about the children of intermarriage:

a.. 93% give and/or receive Christmas presents[6] b.. At most 18% of the children of intermarriage are being raised as “Jewish only.”[7] c.. Even the minority who are officially being raised as “Jews only” celebrate Christmas more than they celebrate Passover![8]

The Jewishness of their families is almost always lost. [9] And this bothers the Jewish partner in most cases, quite a bit.

In short, while your feelings for your partner are certainly real, marriage is a different question altogether. To have the closeness and unity that you deserve with your partner, interfaith is very problematic

BEST,
Doron Kornbluth for Jewishanswers.org
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[1] In my talks on the subject, I find that it is usually about 98%!

[2] Though the same is true for other religions

[3] Gallup Poll released to the press on July 14, 1999

[4] For documentation on dozens of studies that consistently show this, see Why Marry Jewish? Surprising Reasons for Jews to Marry Jews by Doron Kornbluth, Targum/Feldheim, 2003.

[5] ibid.

[6] Egon Mayer, “Children of Intermarriage: A Study in Patterns of Identification and Family Life”, AJC, 1983. 83% of the children of intermarriage perceived “no greater responsibility to fellow Jews than [to] others in need.” 70% felt they had no greater responsibility to support Israel than other citizens, or at all. 81% deemed “unimportant” the act of belonging to the Jewish community. Only 9% felt studying about Judaism was very important.

[7] Of the rest, 33% are being raised Christian only, 24% in “No Religion” homes and 25% in “Dual Religion” homes. Re-examining Intermarriage: Trends, Textures, Strategies, by Dr. Bruce A. Phillips, published by the American Jewish Committee and the Wilstein Institute, 1997, Figure 2-3, page 49.

[8] ibid, Table 2-5, p. 52

[9] Questions Jewish Parents Ask About Intermarriage, AJC, 1992 Mark Winer and Ayeh Meir, p. 19