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When Parents Ask You to Say Lashon Hara

Question: My parents saw me talking to three Jewish friends that were involved in some questionable acitivities. They interrogated me wanting to find out who they were, claiming that it wasn’t Lashon Hora, they wanted to know if the people were dangerous. Obviously, they weren’t wondering because of that, they wanted to know what Jewish boys were doing these activities. Is this Lashon Hora?

Answer: Shalom aleichem. First, I would like to commend you on the asking of this question. All too often we are very quick to feel justified in speaking lashon hora, and I think it is great that you are asking the question.

I would like to address this question from both a halachic and a practical perspective. As far as the halachos of lashon hora are concerned, there are many technicalities that can affect whether or not, strictly speaking, giving the names would be prohibited.

For starters, the Chofetz Chaim [chapter 1, halacha 5] discusses exactly this situation – he writes that if a parent asks a child to say lashon hora, the child is forbidden from saying it. Despite the requirement to honor one’s parents and, under many circumstances, do their bidding, if a parent asks – or even demands – something of a child that is against the halacha, he is forbidden from doing so. That being said, this is only so if what is being asked from the child is actually prohibited. In the case you describe, I can see several possibilities for why it would not be considered, again, strictly speaking, lashon hora to tell your parents the names.

1 – According to the Rambam, Lashon hora is not prohibited if what is being discussed is a publicly known matter. There are two levels of “public knowledge” in this halacha. If at least three people saw a particular event, if we can reasonably assume that they will speak about it with others, some laws of lashon hora a lifted. Since we can assume that eventually this news will spread, seeing as at least three people witnessed the event, we do not consider relating it to someone else as lashon hora. However, this halacha would not apply to the situation you described. The Chofetz Chaim rules that it is only permissible to relate the event if it “comes up in conversation” or is being mentioned as an example or illustration of a point. One would not be allowed to deliberately tell someone about it in order to spread the news around. In this is situation, being asked directly I do not think would constitute “coming up in conversation.” [See Chofetz Chaim chapter 2]

However, there are many authorities who hold that if something is not just known by a small group of people, but is literally “public knowledge,” then there is no prohibition to tell others about it. One is not permitted to do so in order to denigrate another person, nor can one exaggerate or purposefully and intentionally cause the subject of the lashon hora shame. But in a situation like this, if what they were doing was in fact in public, and it just happens to be that your parents did not see who it was, but many other people did, I do not believe that the halachos of lashon hora would apply and, strictly halachically speaking, you would permitted to answer the question. [Sefer Chelkat Binyamin chapter 2 note 4]

2 – Lashon hora is not prohibited if it is being said in an effort to help distance someone from a bad friend or influence. Again, I do not know any of the details of this situation, or your interactions with your parents about these types of issues. But, strictly speaking, if your parents were asking you (or anyone else that would know) in order to know who they should be concerned about your being too friendly with, I believe a strong case could be made that it would not be lashon hora to tell them.

3 – Lashon hora is not prohibited if it is being said about someone who’s behavior has removed them from the category of people who are “part of Klal Yisrael in their deference to Torah and Mitzvot.” Meaning, if a person commits certain actions, he can effectively make it permissible for anyone to speak lashon hora about him. The “protection” against slanderous speech that the laws of lashon hora provide us is reserved for those who maintain at least a bare minimum of connection and respect for the Torah. One category of actions that can potentially put a person into this category is a person who is brazen in his dismissal of halacha. I do not know the circumstances of where this meeting took place, but if your friends were drinking water publicly, with no regard for who saw them flagrantly violating the laws of Tisha B’Av, it is possible that that act alone would place them into this category. [sefer Chofetz Chaim chapter 4, halacha 5 and on]

On the other hand, this all only applies to a person who is deemed halachically accountable for his actions of this nature. A person who has no reason or real way to know any better would not be included in this discussion.

[I am in no way judging your friends, their motives, or halachic status – I am just citing the potentially relevant halachot for you to know.]

Practically speaking, I would think that this whole topic is something that you and your parents should have a dialogue about. As a parent, I can certainly understand your parents’ concern regarding this situation. At the same time, I see your perspective as well. Regardless of what the halachic status of this particular Q&A would be, if this is something that concerns your parents and irks you, then it is something to communicate about.

I hope this helps clarify matters for you. Feel free to follow up, if you like.

All the Best,

Moshe Rosenstein

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