Question: What is the fine line between having trust in G-d that all will work out well and not having ones hopes up too high in order not to have such a big disappointment? I’m particularly asking about coping with infertility and making efforts to have a baby through infertility treatments.
Answer: That is a challenging question. We see from many sources that one should never lose hope. G-d wants our prayers always, even for many years. He kept the Matriarchs barren for so many years in order to help them pray better. But how can you pray without hope? Prayer means that I know G-d can do anything, and if I’m not getting what I want, it’s because it’s not G-d’s will.
So I pray to ask G-d:– Please help me achieve this goal/Your commandment (Mitzvah) to have children. – Please help me accept that whatever happens is completely Your will
The whole purpose of life is to learn how to connect to G-d, through trust. G-d has given you this present challenge in order to teach you a certain kind of trust. The only way to succeed at the test is to develop the trust. “May-ayin yavo ezree” – from where will my help come? Of course, it will come from G-d, not from the doctors. You absolutely must realize this, internalize this. Get this. Meditate on this. The more you ask G-d for help, the more you will get it.
Part of the problem may be that you may be asking for the wrong thing. I don’t know you, so I’m speaking only speculatively, but this is a common problem. For instance, are you praying and hoping to become pregnant, to have a baby, or are you asking G-d to help you have and raise a healthy child or children?
Do you see the difference? Maybe (pure speculation) G-d knows that getting pregnant would not be good for you right now, but there are certainly other ways to have and raise children.
You must never, ever lose hope. You must never, ever forget that G-d created you and your husband in order to give you everything you need. And the thing you (and we all) need most is to pray better, because doing so gives us an intimate relationship with G-d.
I hope that’s helpful. Feel free to write back with a follow-up question.
May G-d bless you with healthy, happy children and the resources to raise them well.
Rabbi Alexander Seinfeld
PS - there are more details on this approach in my book, The Art of Kavanah – see Ch. 3+8