I was wondering what the Torah says about how men are suppose to view their wives. I have been having a problem in my marriage where I feel my husband has been verbally abusing me. If I could get some concrete answers from the Torah, it may be helpful.

No Jew, man or woman, should ever have to go through any kind of physical or mental abuse. Throughout history, and unfortunately still today, some men feel as though they are justified if they yell, scream, mistreat, abuse, or otherwise harm their spouse. They feel as though since they are the “man of the house” that they have the right and God given privilege to command respect. That is just wrong.

According to Torah, a man must treat his wife with the utmost of respect. Abraham treated Sarah like a queen. He loved her and gave her happiness all through her life. They went through difficult times, but they did it all together and with mutual respect and love. Adam loved Chava (Eve). They were the first couple, but he spoke of her as if she was part of him. Moses found a wife whom he loved and saw the inner beauty and outer beauty of Tzipora. All of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs had unbelievable marital situations. As a matter of fact in terms of the sacred nature of the Jewish woman, the essence of God, himself, is often referred to in the feminine tense. The reason is that the female is always thought to intuitively be closer to God. She does not have to follow as many commandments that are time bound because she does not need the constant reminder of God’s existence as much as men do.

In all, there is no place in the entire Torah, written or oral that allows men to mistreat women, physically or verbally. To put it more bluntly, it is absolutely forbidden for a man or a woman to hurt their spouse (or anyone else) in any way. The Chofetz Chaim writes that if two people are talking and one makes the other turn red with embarrassment or shame it is as if the speaker spilled the blood of the listener. He further says that it is paramount to murder!

A piece of practical advice:
When a person walks into their home and they see the mezuzah on the door they have 2 choices. They can walk right by and do nothing or they can actively stop, take a few seconds and contemplate that they are about to walk into what the Talmud refers to a “mikdash me’at,” a small temple. When the high priest would walk into the Temple he needed to be completely pure. We walk into our homes every day. We also need to be pure in our thoughts and actions. Your husband and you should take a few seconds before walking into the house to cool off. Realize that what is in your house is sacred. Maybe that will help turn the tide.

Next, I would advise trying to look at each other as if you are looking at God. We are all created in God’s image. When one of you starts yelling take the other to the closest mirror and mimic the face that you make when you get mad. You will find that you or your husband is incredibly ugly when you yell and scream. For some that makes them self conscious about getting angry. That is a good thing! Imagine that this is what your spouse sees when you get mad.

Those two pieces of advise can change the way two people relate to each other. Of course, I would also recommend that you make sure that you have a kosher mezuzah on your doors. It cannot be Xeroxed. It must be hand written and properly put into a case. When you know that they are real and you have had them checked to make sure you will relate to them differently.

I hope that this helps you. In conclusion, yelling, screaming, and abusive relationships are intolerable within the boundaries of a Jewish life. Torah hates it. God hates it. The proof is that since we are created in the image of God just look at what you look like when you get mad. It is the ugliest thing you can imagine. That is what God sees of you when you act that way. Share this in a loving way with your husband. May God grant you and your husband the strength to reignite a relationship filled with love, compassion, and happiness.

May This be the Day that You Love Each Other the Least!
Rabbi Gershon Litt